For some reason, I decided to keep track of all the books I read in 2023. I don’t know if it’s because I discovered the Libby app, which allows me to take out even more eBooks and audiobooks from my local library or because I talked with co-workers at our annual conference about books and reading so much at the end of 2022 that it got me curious. Either way, it was fun to keep track of what I read so that I can review and make recommendations to friends and family.
I did not count re-reads – as I re-read many books as a way to fall asleep at night. I also noted if a book was started in a previous year. I did count audiobooks, since I spent just as much time and possibly more reading some of those than I did print or eBooks. And I also counted comic books/graphic novels – because they are so fun, though definitely a different reading experience.
Here’s my list!
The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert (started in 2022)*
The Favorite Sister by Jessica Knoll
Run Towards the Danger by Sarah Polley (audiobook)*
Maskerade by Terry Pratchett
…And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie
Shadow Scale by Rachel Hartman
Broken Horses by Brandi Carlile (audiobook)*
Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin*
Tess of the Road by Rachel Hartman
Tyrant by Stephen Greenblat
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May
The Night Guard by Terry Pratchett (audiobook)
When you are engulfed in flames by David Sedaris
Little Fish by Casey Platt
Unbound by Tarana Burke (audiobook)
Babel by RF Kuang (audiobook)
The Body in the Library by Agatha Christie
Have I Told You This Already? by Lauren Graham (audiobook)
Teenage Dick by Mike Leus (play)
Thud! by Terry Pratchett
Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret by Judy Blume*
City of Thieves by David Benioff
The Moving Finger by Agatha Christie
Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchett
I Might Regret This by Abbi Jensen
Snuff by Terry Pratchett
Deenie by Judy Blume (audiobook)
Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng (audiobook)*
The Future is Disabled: Prophecies, Love Notes, and Mourning Songs by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Hearts of the Missing: A Mystery by Carol Potenza
The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett
A Murder is Announced by Agatha Christie
In the Serpent’s Wake by Rachel Hartman
A Hat Full of Sky by Terry Pratchett
Agnes Grey by Emily Bronte
They Do It With Mirrors by Agatha Christie
Matrix by Lauren Groff
Gotham Central Police Department Volume 1: In the Line of Duty by Greg Rucka, Ed Brubaker, and Michael Lark (comic book)
Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett
Red Moon by Kim Stanley Robinson
Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree*
A Pocket Full of Rye by Agatha Christie
Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus*
The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery (audiobook)
I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett
The Shepherd’s Crown by Terry Pratchett
The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (started in 2022)
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick
4:50 from Paddington by Agatha Christie
Gotham Central Police Department Volume 2: Jokes and Madmen by Greg Rucka, Ed Brubaker, and Michael Lark (comic book)
Gotham Central Police Department Volume 3: On the Freak Beat by Greg Rucka, Ed Brubaker, and Michael Lark (comic book)
A Thousand Mornings by Mary Oliver (poetry)
The Mirror Crack’d from Side to Side by Agatha Christie
The White Queen by Philippa Gregory
The Beekeeper’s Apprentice by Laurie R. King
Gotham Central Police Department Volume 4: Corrigan by Greg Rucka, Ed Brubaker, and Michael Lark (comic book)
The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
The Summons by John Grisham
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
VenCo by Cherie Dimaline*
Saga Volume 11 by Brian K Vaughan and Fiona Staples
Bookshops & Bonedust by Travis Baldree
Seven of these were recommendations from my best friend – we traded booklists for Christmas 2022 and I enjoyed slowly working my way through for almost all of 2023.
I had been working on Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books since 2020 when a friend told me to re-start with Guards! Guards! (I tried to read this series from the beginning with The Color of Magic back in university, but I did not enjoy it. Turns out, the city watch and witches are more my cup of tea than the wizards. I might come back to them – who knows how my taste has changed in 10+ years?!?).
I read my first ever Agatha Christie novel and then embarked on the Miss Marple series, which I have LOVED. They are such quick reads and unexpected in the ways they pull their elderly sleuth into the action. I now see why Agatha Christie has stood the test of time and sold so so so many books. The movie See How They Run really put me onto this path, so I highly recommend that film, too.
I read/listened to eight nonfiction books, many of them memoirs. I want to get back to reading more of these in 2024 because they really opened my mind. I especially loved listening to Brandi Carlile’s Broken Horses and cannot recommend it as an audiobook enough. She sings at the end of each chapter. It’s like a private concert.
The little stars are by my favourite reads of the year. These are the ones that I will and do recommend to friends and family – or strangers who are intrigued by my list! – to try out. (I didn’t include the Discworld series or any Agatha Christie because it’s not really one book in either instance there – it’s a whole series :).
Some years it takes me a long time to find my word of the year. This year it came to me quickly…
ROOTS
… probably because I’m already practicing it.
Last year was about finding a new RHYTHM to my life as a newlywed. That became even more important for me to hold as a mantra as we travelled, bought a new car, and then bought our first home and moved to Hamilton. I’m really glad I didn’t choose rhythm in terms of keeping the same routine, but more about finding the right cadence and melody for each day, week, and month. Because everything really changed last year.
We’ve now been in our new house and city for six months – which is wild because it already feels like we’ve lived here forever in some ways. My husband already loved all the getting settled, putting up pictures, unpacking, updating parts of moving, and that energy and passion – doubled by the fact that this house is OURS – motivated us to really make this place ours very fast. So in that sense, we have already put down roots in our new home.
I have begun to get to know my way around Hamilton. Knowing where the bank, grocery store, library, nearest mall, etc is has been pretty easy – especially since we are in a similar area as the in-law’s, who I’ve been to visit many times in the past five years. Sometimes I don’t need the GPS when I’m going back to places I’ve been to before and I recognize street names, even if I do not know where all the neighborhoods are and sometimes get the main streets downtown confused.
But the harder part is putting down roots into new communities here. And that’s the project that, though I have started, still needs the focus of this new word for 2024.
I have done this all before. We made two big moves when I was a kid, before I was 10 years old. I didn’t adapt to the first so well, but by the second, I had it figured out a bit more. I went to creative writing summer camp in another state for two weeks, all on my own. And even though all my close friends opted to stay on campus, I studied abroad for a semester during university (which started me blogging in the first place!). Plus there’s the whole moving to Canada thing – which was one of the scariest things I’ve done in my life and now here I am 10 years later living here permanently as a dual citizen. So I have the skills to adapt to a new city and find my people… I just need to polish off the rust and get these skills oiled up to run smoothly again.
Here’s how I have started:
Dungeons and Dragons – I have wanted to try playing a TTRPG (tabletop role-playing game) for a long time. I looked up board game cafes that host these games and put myself on a few waiting lists. When a game spot opened up, I took a leap of faith joining a party already established and on level 6. I was a total newb at the beginning – my live play podcast listening did not fully prepare me for the reality of actually using all the game dynamics myself. I’m still not a pro, but after playing for almost three months, I am definitely enjoying smashing skeletons and other baddies in the Mad Mage’s mountain as half-elf Paladin Alystine Blaze (aka “Aly the Paly”).
Pilates – I initially wanted to find a dance studio in Hamilton, but after visiting my best friend’s pilates studio in Rhode Island when we went on vacation there in August, I realized that maybe I should try out something new for exercise in my new city. After a few private lessons to get used to pilates poses, breathing, and the reformer mechanics, I signed up for a beginner class. I love feeling sore but still flexible with this new form of exercise!
Meeting up with friends of friends who are local – Darren has deep roots in Hamilton already, as he grew up here and maintained his closest friends even when he lived in Toronto. He has set me up on a few “friend dates” with co-workers and partners/spouses of his friends. And I’ve worked my network to find at least one new friend who moved here from the Greater Toronto Area (GTA) as well. It’s slow, but this is definitely brushing off some networking skills I learned a while ago.
Visiting new churches – I visited a few United churches in the summer and early fall, hoping to find somewhere with active community groups and some younger folks/families at least a little closer to my age/phase in life. But it was tricky to get a feel for many of these communities over the summer months when many are on odd schedules or off for the summer and early fall. I did manage to visit a new one on Christmas Eve with my mother-in-law, which felt so good. I teared up when we handed out the candles for “Silent Night” at the end. I haven’t found a church home here yet, but I know that when the time is right, I will.
The thing about roots is that sometimes you can’t tell if you’re making much progress. They are under the soil, silently doing their work and growing in directions you can’t see and might not expect. And that’s the way I feel right now as we close out 2023. I know that activities I listed above are great starts. But some days it feels like nothing is happening and I’m alone without any local friends available to meet up. I’m preparing myself for a winter that might feel long and lonely because it’s the first one I’ll spend here.
I’m hoping that I’m over-preparing and that I find so much more community and social time in the winter months of 2024. That the new year brings with it more courage and enthusiasm for all the community-building activities I listed above and more that I discover along the way. Either way, I will focus on ROOTS and believe that they will grow. After all, I don’t intend to leave Hamilton any time soon so they really do have plenty of time to grow and spread out in all directions.
In one way, the move has already helped me grow deeper roots in another new hobby: sewing. I have been saying for years that I wanted to gain more confidence with the sewing machine for crafting, hemming/mending, and even creating some of my own clothes. The fall of 2023 saw me finally putting the sewing machine out on my new craft table and then USING it to first make some Halloween/fall pumpkin pillows, then a zipper bag for my D&D dice and supplies. For Christmas I made a big Christmas tree shaped pillow for Pabi (my grandma). And using the scrap fabric, I was extra resourceful and made myself a Christmas-themed scrunchie. And on New Year’s Day I finished two pillow covers for Darren’s office/man cave – I repurposed some old t-shirts with geeky things that definitely fit his space. I’m still a beginner, but it gives me hope that my goals will all eventually come true. Sometimes it does take a while to manifest – not procrastination, but just waiting until your context gels with your intentions.
Grow little roots. I’m here to nurture you – just show me what you need.
How to summarize this past year… I knew it would start off with a BIG life moment. I did not know that it would continue like that.
It reminds me of a little keepsake my mom gave me in my mid-20s, back when I was still debating on whether or not to stay in Canada and what kind of career/avocation to really pursue. It’s a heart-shaped dish that says “In the right place.” Putting that dish out back then felt like a question – am I really where I need to be? Can I be grounded here?
Now it feels like a statement. With a full stop, confident period at the end. Yes – this (both in the literal and figurative meaning of “place”) is where I need to be.
I’m not always that zen about everything. There are moments from the past year where I wished it would slow down. And in spite of it being a very busy year, there were also moments where I wanted it to speed up.
Overall though, I am really enjoying my 30s. And in many ways, they have just barely begun.
I got married! Check out this blog post for the whole scoop. It’s insane to think it has almost been a full year of married life. Looking back, it really was everything we could have wanted from that day, weekend, and summer of celebrations. But also: being married instead of planning a wedding is THE BEST.
Honeymoon – Darren and I (and Harry) went up to a cottage for our honeymoon. As we packed up to leave, I laughed to myself – so we’ve spent most of our pre-wedding summer isolating to make sure we don’t get COVID… and then we’re going to head up to a cottage to be just the three of us again? But once we got there, it did feel lovely and not like another version of isolation. We lucked out with gorgeous sunny weather even in the first week of September and swam/floated on our private beach almost every day. I read three books – my quick review: A+ to Circe and A Marriage Plot but D to The Magicians – and spent a lot of time journalling EVERYTHING I could remember from the wedding. We made a wedding scrapbook and a really classy photo album, but the little blue notebook with all my personal recollections from the wedding weekend I think is my favourite wedding keepsake.
Nash Bash – How many brides are lucky enough to wear their wedding dress twice for the same groom in the same year? I was! Darren and I headed down to Nashville in early October 2022 for an epic party we called the Nash Bash. It was a combination celebration of my mom’s 60th birthday and a second reception for our marriage, this time with many of my friends from childhood, high school, and college. In my heart, the real reason we travelled down there and got all gussied up again was so that my grandma Pabi could see me and Darren in our wedding attire. She doesn’t travel anymore so not having her at the Canadian wedding was sad. It meant so much for her to see me in my wedding dress and to make sure she was a part of the celebration. I only regret that I didn’t spend more time introducing Darren to all my friends – I got way too excited (and had too many delicious margaritas…) to be a better hostess. I am so happy in Canada, but it does mean I see my Tennessee and Texas people way less often than I’d like.
Montreal – Just a few weeks later, Darren and I rented a car to go to Montreal for the weekend–all so that we could drive over the border on the Monday to get Darren set up with NEXUS for easier family travel to and from the States. We visited the Fine Arts museum and learned a lot about Basquiat, ate some great pasta and of course, bagels, and even rode the big ferris wheel.
Pittsburgh – I thought I would get more of a break from travel in Fall 2022 after Montreal, but then my grandfather got sick and it was important to see him immediately. So I flew up to Pittsburg for the last weekend of October. Unfortunately the Steelers (his team) did not win their Sunday game against their rivals the Philadelphia Eagles, but we got matching Steelers t-shirts to wear and I know it meant a lot to my Pappap that we all flew out to see him. He ended up passing away in early December. I’m so glad that I got to see him and spend quality time with him.
December Engagement Summit in Orlando, Florida – Back in August 2022, I missed the very first in-person work conference in Toronto, ON because I was preventatively isolating before the wedding. But thankfully I got to attend the winter Engagement Summit – this time in Orlando, Florida and for the first time with both the Canadian and US teams! It was MASSIVE. Since March 2020, I had not been around that many people and it was overwhelming at the beginning. But once I got used to it, I loved getting to connect/re-connect with my colleagues and enjoyed presenting live for a change! Plus we had amazing Cuban food, shut the dance floor down on the last night, and even snuck in a swim in the pool before flying back to Canada on the Friday. But it came with a price because…
Got COVID – After avoiding it for almost three years, COVID finally caught me. When I came home, I initially felt fine. Two nights after I got back, Darren thought he was getting a sore throat and so we both decided to take rapid tests. Funnily enough, Darren’s came back negative and mine came back positive. Turns out, MANY people who attended the Engagement Summit came back with COVID… My case was thankfully pretty mild. I did feel tired and fatigued and I did get a cough but the worst part of my initial illness was probably sleeping on the couch to try and quarantine away from Darren. Thankfully, he never had symptoms or had a positive test! The worst was actually the cold I caught at Christmas that appeared on the 27th and lingered until well after New Year’s. It sent me back to the couch, but even worse, it made me weaker and more tired than I had been initially with COVID. I’m glad I avoided getting it for as long as I did – all the mask wearing, hand washing, and physical distancing were worth it.
Austin, Los Angeles, & San Diego – This was our main vacation for 2023 and probably deserves a post all on its own. Darren and I first spent one week in Austin, TX, visiting with family. I finally got to give Darren the Bee Caves, TX/Where I grew up tour, including sneaking into my old neighborhood, driving by the high school (Texas high school sports you know?), and even did a little shopping at the local Target. We also had incredible barbecue lunch at Terry Black’s, a fancy Japanese meal with my sister and brother-in-law, and a family steak dinner. The real vacation started the next week when we flew to California. We spent two days in Los Angeles visiting Griffiths Observatory, the Funko Pop Hollywood store, La Brea Tarpits, and even had a celebrity sighting! (Hint: he started at the Stamford branch, but eventually became the boss at the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin Paper Co…) And then we spent a whole day a Disneyland. We got there right when the park opened and went straight to Batuu for all things Star Wars. I loved being there with Darren. He’s the biggest Star Wars fan and all the details were spot on – the Stormtroopers said they were on patrol and could not stop to take a picture with them. We also made time to go on all the classics in the rest of the park (Space Mountain, the Matterhorn, Pirates of the Caribbean, and many more). I was very glad we made time for Splash Mountain, as they have since closed it down to remake it into a Princess and the Frog-themed ride. But it was a core part of my childhood and I still get scared like I did when I was five when I ride it – which just shows me how big and brave I am now in comparison. And that wasn’t even the end of our trip! We drove next to San Diego, where my dad’s office is located, and spent a few more days checking out the San Diego Zoo, Balboa Park (the Air and Space Museum was great but the Model Train Museum was EVEN BETTER), the coast, and went to a stand-up comedy show. Did I mention we ate really well? The whole time? Yes, the BBQ and steak in Texas were just the beginning. My dad and his wife knew so much good food in California. They even took us to a ramen place that I think beats out Ryus Noodle Bar in Toronto: Menya Ultra.
New Car – Since I first started dating Darren, we have been driving around in the Mazda sedan his parents gave him after they drove it to and from Florida for many years. It’s pre-2010, only has the radio and a CD player for music, and though it reminds me of my first car, it’s really getting too old to be reliable for anything longer than trips around town. So in March 2022, we decided to buy a brand new hybrid RAV-4. And then waited. And waited. And waited. Finally in late February 2023 (almost a full 12 months later), we got the call that it was finally ready. It arrived just in time, too – we had some of the worst snowstorms over the next few days (including the day we picked it up) and it handled wonderfully. There’s something really special about getting a RAV-4 in particular. I remember putting it on vision boards when I was a teenager as the car I’d have when I grew up… and now it’s our main car!
We bought a house! – Again, I’ll let you catch up more on this BIG life moment via this blog post, but wow we could not have gotten our new car any later. It allowed us to go house-hunting after a massive snowstorm and find our first home together. We’ve been in our new home and new community for just over two months now and it totally feels like home. I’ve been back into Toronto a few times and already it feels like not my home anymore. I will still always hold Toronto with love in my heart because it’s where I really grew up into the person I am today. It’s where Darren and I met and there are still communities there that I do miss. But I love exploring my new city, being so close to family, and enjoying the added space we have both inside and outside our house – which is OUR house. And it’s just the beginning of this new homeownership adventure (which does come with bumps like getting new washer and dryer, yard work, etc…)
Concerts – I attended three live shows in my 32nd year. First was Blink 182. From the moment the band announced they were officially reuniting with the original three – Travis, Mark, and Tom – Darren and his brother were on the lookout for the tour dates and tickets. If Darren had to pick between Star Wars and Blink 182, I don’t think he could choose because he loves these two things the most (besides me and Harry :P) so this was BIG. The Scotiabank arena was packed with fans, all about our age, and the concert did not disappoint. Like visiting Batuu in Disneyland, I love experiencing these things with Darren and witnessing his joy. And because he listens to so much of their music, I’ve come to appreciate Blink 182, too – especially “First Date” which Darren quoted in his vows and he walked down the aisle to at our wedding. Next was Yungblud at the beginning of July. Darren and I had been looking forward to this concert since 2021 – because it had been rescheduled two or three times since then. He had put out a new awesome record since then and we thought it would be the perfect excuse to head back into the city. Unfortunately, it was not the best concert. We love Yungblud’s newer two albums, Weird! and his self-titled Yungblud, but he instead chose to play more of his older songs from 21st Century Liability and earlier EPs. Great performer, but not the bop we thought it would be. And then I went to P!nk’s Summer Carnival North American opening concert in Toronto on July 24th and it was LIFE-CHANGING. It is definitely in my top three concerts of all time, maybe even the best. My friend Zabe and I went – they convinced me to buy a decent ticket to see this show with them, because usually I just go to concerts with Darren. It was worth it and the best present I could have got for myself. The excitement started on the train ride from Hamilton to Toronto, as so many fans clad in pink and bright colours were playing her music and getting excited. I couldn’t wait for the opening band: Brandi Carlile. This was the other thing that sold me on going to the show. I’d started listening to Brandi last fall and then decided to listen to the audiobook version of her memoir, Broken Horses. It was the best audiobook I’ve ever listened to, because she sang at the end of EVERY CHAPTER and it felt like a personal concert. So when I got to see her live WITH P!nk who sings some of my favourite anthems like “Raise Your Glass” and “Never Gonna Not Dance Again,” I knew it would be great. Brandi was incredible and even sang three-part harmony live with the twins in her band to “The Eye” which floored me. Then the lights went down and P!nk opened with a bang – singing “Get the Party Started” while flipping on a bungee-cord from the top of the stage. Every song was a bop and sounded just as incredible live, if not better than off MP3 or Spotify. She told fantastic stories about her kids and her family. I’ve never been to a concert where I wanted to scream, belt out the lyrics, and lift up my hands the whole time – it felt sacred. And I get chills just thinking about it.
Became an aunt! – On June 27th, I became an aunt! Hayden Jones came just a few weeks early, but happy and healthy and so loved by my sister, brother-in-law, and all the grandparents – he’s the first grandbaby on both sides of my sister’s family. I cannot wait to meet my nephew and I love getting updates from Emily as he grows and changes.
Rhode Island – We rounded out our travel this year with an August long-weekend trip to visit my best friend and her partner in Providence, Rhode Island. This trip included a lighthouse ferry tour, a bus tour of downtown Providence, Pilates class (so good! I might need to find a good studio in Hamilton now), food trucks in Roger Williams Park, plus chill times watching Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 (only our first re-watch), getting ice cream, and playing Trivial Pursuit (girls rule!!! We beat the boys twice). I loved getting to visit my BFF in her home. After the wedding craziness last year, we really wanted a chill trip to just spend time together. Thankfully our partners were up for that, too – the true test. I had major Gilmore Girls vibes when we walked past The Providence Journal – because she *almost* worked at the ProJo.
My work life has been amazing. In addition to connecting with co-workers in-person both at the December Engagement Summit and some downtown Toronto meetings, I’ve been working away at home. The first year of the Student Ambassador was a big success and I’m now working with our second group of students for the 2023-2024 school year. And because of this and my other programs, I got a promotion! You can now call me Senior Marketing Programs Manager. I can’t believe I’ve already been at Cengage for three years and in educational publishing/technology for almost eight.
Creatively, I’ve decided to focus on one writing project. So no Familiar season two just yet. I’m working on a first draft of something. It started as a play many years ago and never grew past a few scenes. And since the pandemic and starting the podcast, I’m not sure if it should still be a play. Instead of figuring out the format, I’m just focusing on getting the words down on the page by using my old school, manual typewriter. With the typewriter, there’s no way to edit as I go and so that’s my goal: to just get the rough bones of the thing down on paper. I’m really enjoying it and definitely hope to share more once it begins to take form.
My crafting has still been going strong with a knitted dog sweater for Harry and handmade gifts for friends and families. In the new house, I finally have room for a craft table in my office and I’ve committed to actually getting the sewing machine out more this year to officially learn how to sew. I’ve spent more time with the typewriter out on that table this summer, but I’m sure once the weather starts to turn, it’ll feel very cozy to stay in and let that sewing machine hum.
And because it took me longer to get this post written this year, I also get to include what happened over my birthday weekend.
Friday started off with donuts in bed – as per Sulc family tradition – and ended with a visit to the first annual Boots in the Creek country music festival. On Saturday we took Harry with us to Munchie’s – a dog-friendly cafe – for brunch and I then spent most of the day baking homemade strawberry chocolate cupcakes for family and friends who came over to celebrate on Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. It was a lot of work but totally worth it.
I can’t wait to write again as my 33rd year begins!
I really like commemorating threshold moments. My husband thinks it’s funny that I keep track of these so much so that I can say “Today is six months since we got married” or “Did you know that around this time five years ago I met your parents for the first time?” Facebook memories help, as does this blog –which I’ve been keeping in some format since 2011! Part of it is just me and the way I track my path through the world. I love looking back at who I was and thinking about what past versions of myself would think of where I am now.
I’m especially thinking of that this month. As of today, it’s been 10 years since I graduated from Rice University. On May 11, 2013 after days of praying that the rain would hold off so the ceremony could be hosted in the main quad, my suitemates and I woke at sunrise to enjoy one last cup of coffee together on Martel’s sundeck before donning our graduation robes and preparing to walk out through the main sallyport – and out beyond the hedges into post-graduate life.
Lining up for graduation in the Martel college rotunda
I knew at that time that I would be heading to Toronto in the fall. I would not only be leaving Texas, but leaving the United States entirely for a city and country I’d never visited before. After choosing to switch my senior thesis from epigraphs in Victorian novels to a scriptwriting portfolio the previous summer, I would now be further devoting myself to playwriting by entering York University’s Masters in Theatre and Performance Studies program. I was simultaneously thrilled and terrified.
Where I’ve ended up isn’t exactly where that past version of me thought I would be. (That past version of me was so dramatic though… and I love it. See here.) In the intervening 10 years, my parents moved to Taiwan, I decided to stay in Toronto, I found a career in educational technology, met my now husband, made a podcast, got a puppy, became a Canadian citizen, and…
Next month we are moving out of Toronto and into our very first home together!
Yes, that’s right – I will very shortly be a homeowner. I still haven’t fully grasped what that will mean. It all happened so fast. We thought our timeline for buying a house was still a year or so out. Then we realized it was now or not for a long, long time and jumped in head first. After months of preparation and one long day of house-hunting (yes that’s right – one day from 9:45 am til 6 pm with 14 different houses and 16 viewings…), we bought our very first home.
Out of the many, many listings we’d viewed on realtor.ca, I had had a good feeling about this one. I liked the house when we walked in and felt that it was better that the other 10+ we’d seen so far during out house-hunting spree. When the realtor mentioned there was another viewing afterwards and that we would likely need to act fast if we liked it, the thought of losing this place shot through my body. And I knew it in my gut that we should put in an offer.
That same feeling has happened two other times in my life. It happened for the first time almost 10 years before when I decided to come to Toronto for graduate school. Up until that point, I thought intuition was something for fantasy novel heroes, fictional female detectives, and mystics. But after weeks of gut-wrenching anxiety and narrowing my graduate school choices down to two, clarifying fear reverberated through me one afternoon and I knew what I had to do – go to Canada. The thought terrified me. I had never been to Canada. I didn’t know anyone who had lived in Canada. I would be really pursuing a career in the arts – a step WAY bigger than just switching my senior thesis project. My body made me feel that the regret of taking the other step – going to graduate school in the US, in a city near my best friend and where another friend had completed her graduate studies – would be way worse than not taking the leap. And look where it has led me…
So when my body sent me such a clear message about this house, I didn’t doubt it. I shared what I was feeling with Darren and the realtor and less than 24 hours later, we had it. Like moving to Canada, knowing that this is the right next step hasn’t lessened the fear. The new commitments and expenses are intimidating. Moving away from my only home in Canada and leaving the city has been way more emotional than I expected. I tear up when I visit Kimbourne Park United Church, Garden@Kimbourne, and The Pink Studio because I know soon I won’t be here to participate in these inclusive, sustainable, giving, and joyful communities. I’ll be working to find new ones, starting over from square one.
Except… that’s one major difference from 10 years ago. This time I get to make the big life move with Darren. And though we’re only six months married, we have had some practice already – moving in together, getting a dog, surviving the pandemic, moving during the pandemic, planning a wedding during a pandemic. We get to be scared and excited and all the feelings together – even if sometimes he’s the one motivating me past the fear or vice versa. I think past me – the one just graduating from university – would be equally thrilled to hear this.
Everything is better with you.
I’m not where I thought I would be 10 years after graduating from Rice. I’ve never been back to Beer Bike or Homecoming – but I did get to go back to Rice University multiple times to speak to Humanities students and workshop some of my plays. It took me almost 10 years to get my diploma framed – but I’m excited to hang it up over the desk in my new home office (which should be more peaceful since it will no longer contain the only door to the backyard). I’m not working full-time in the arts – but I’m still very much a creative person who gets to share that passion with my husband and friends across North America.
So what will the person I will be in 10 years think about me now? And what will the person I am now think of where I will end up in another decade?
I’ll just have to wait and see – and maybe come back to track it here, if I’m still scribbling in this blog in another 10 years. 😉
I have been choosing a word for the upcoming year for nine years now. As more and more people abandon “New Year’s Resolutions,” I feel ahead of the game with this tradition.
My word of the year for the past two years have served me very well. 2021’s Love saw me engaged and beginning to plan my wedding. 2022’s Embrace saw me married – and become a dual citizen, embracing both the country of my birth and my new home as a permanent part of my identity and responsibilities.
So now that those big life moments are over, what should I choose for 2023? What do I have to look forward or want to focus on as the calendar turns over to a new page?
Rhythm
Harry geared up for a winter walk
I came up with this one as I was walking Harry around my in-laws’ neighborhood on Boxing Day. We had been inside for many days, only venturing out twice over Christmas weekend to visit family. Mostly this was to avoid the blizzard conditions and bitter wind, but part of it was us fully embracing the nothing chill time that can be the holidays. Just like I have no firm New Year’s Resolutions, I also have no regrets about taking this time to rest. I absolutely need and deserve it. But as Harry and I got into the flow of our walk, I couldn’t deny that this step back toward my “normal” routine gave me a major boost. And thinking through that brought me to my word for 2023.
Rhythm to me means a steady beat at the core of everything. It’s something to come back to, something underneath that keeps the band marching in time, something that on its own is music or can support a much bigger song or symphony of sound. It can be fast or slow and it can change to speed up or slow down. But it’s there underneath, no matter what.
The past three years have been all sorts of chaos: pandemic and all the anxiety and uncertainty that it brought, and then the happy chaos of getting engaged and planning a wedding. I am so grateful for how I made it through all of that, how much I learned about myself, how Darren and I really built the foundation of our family on those years. Those years needed me to be more reactive, focused on the harmonies and melodies. Picking rhythm this year is a way for me to focus more on the steady things that help me feel centered no matter what is happening around me.
I’ve got a pretty good start, as there are a few things I already love doing in a routine way:
Pop Dance class once a week
Online yoga with my Aunt Susan on Sunday evenings
Church on Sunday mornings
Walking Harry at least 3 days a week, first thing in the morning
Morning cup of tea 🙂
This is the one routine I probably won’t break much in 2023…
I’m not necessarily looking to add more to this list with “Rhythm.” I’m also not committing to always perfectly maintaining this routine in 2023, as I know there will be weeks where, even with many virtual options, I will need to skip or alter how I participate. It’s more that in 2023 I want to focus on how these routines make me feel: grounded, centered, stable, embraced, in community, healthy, hopeful, loving, and inspired.
So here’s to the New Year, to all the wonderful things it will bring, and to the way I’ll keep marching to my own rhythm through it all.
A little over 2 months and 3 weeks ago, I got married!
In some ways, I can’t believe it actually happened. After planning and waiting and isolating from June 28, 2021 to September 3, 2022, we actually managed to gather our loved ones together to witness the beginning of the next chapter of our love story (sappy, yes, but very true).
In other ways, it feels like we’ve moved smoothly into married life. We have framed photos from our wedding day already hanging on our walls. Darren has stopped playing with his wedding ring. It almost sounds normal to refer to him as my husband and for him to call me his wife.
Photo by Aspect Lux
Almost. And I’m holding onto the magic of that “almost” as long as I can.
I didn’t spend my childhood dreaming of my wedding day. I watched “Say Yes to the Dress” and all that, but I didn’t know what my wedding would look like or really start daydreaming about it until I met Darren. Only then, as we got to know each other, did I allow it to take shape. And I’m so glad that I did. Because it meant that we planned a wedding together. Everything about our wedding truly reflected the both of us, not just me and not just him, but an intertwining of who we both are and what we were bringing into our marriage. It wasn’t always easy to navigate this, not when so many people expected everything to be planned and handled by the bride, or that we had lots of nuanced differences between US and Canadian wedding traditions to figure out, or the fact that we were planning all this still from semi or total isolation from COVID. But we did it. We had to. It was the only way we knew how to get married. And as all these pieces came together and we got closer to our wedding day, the harder it got to for me to wait.
During the whole year leading up to our wedding, we wrote down three things we were grateful for each night – just to track how excited and happy we were. I was so excited that I wrote my wedding vows almost a month early. Then I put them on notecards. Then I typed them out with my literal typewriter and practiced them to Harry in the backyard. On the day before we got married, I watched the clock in the car as we drove around to run errands and waited until it was 4:30 to tell Darren, “By this time tomorrow, we’ll be married.”
Photo by Aspect Lux
So when I woke up 6:20 am on my wedding day, I wasn’t nervous. I had done everything I could to prepare for this day – I’d created multiple spreadsheets and had been called super organized by my bridal party and our wedding coordinators; we had isolated for three weeks before the wedding to keep us and our family members super safe; and Darren and I had spent almost two years of our four year relationship stuck inside with just us and our puppy Harry perfecting how to live together and love each other through thick and thin. So I was as ready as I could be both for this day and this marriage. I know my bridal crew and hair and make-up friends thought it was anxiety, because I presented all the jittery signs that usually signal that for me. It’s what has happened at all of my life’s other big moments: trying out for marching band, choosing Rice, going to Rice, studying abroad, moving to Canada, etc. But in this case, I really wasn’t. I was just that pumped for the day to come. My only worry was that I would miss something and I didn’t want to miss anything.
It rained on my wedding day.
Photo by Aspect Lux
For weeks, Darren and I had talked about the weather in September. Labour Day weekend could mean anything in Southern Ontario from a last summer scorcher to the first snow flurries, but it felt like the best weekend for us – it’s a long weekend in both the States and in Canada and it’s usually not as hot as July or August. It was still a worry that the heat would creep up and make photos and a ceremony outside in a full suit unbearable for the men in the wedding party. So of course we got our wish – it wasn’t hot. It was gray with spitting misty rain.
This could have thrown everything off. This should have thrown everything off. We wanted to get married outside with Lake Ontario in the background. We had plans for photos in the park grounds surrounding our venue – all of which also required being fully out of doors. This should have triggered my anxiety. And yet, when the rain hadn’t stopped when I arrived at the venue, I couldn’t bring myself to get upset. All I could think about was what I had to look forward to next. I couldn’t wait to get my dress on. More importantly, I couldn’t wait for Darren to see me in my wedding dress.
For eleven months I hid the pictures and stopped myself from sharing with him even the tiniest detail about my wedding dress. He knew about my wedding converse – in fact, he had been the deciding vote in me ordering them – but my perfect dress, the second one I tried on with my mom and best friend, he had no CLUE about. All the parts of our wedding were decided together except for this. I picked out my dress, my veil, and my hair pins (with input from many women I love but still, I made each decision). I also insisted on wearing my hair up on our wedding day, in spite of some heavy hints from Darren that I should wear it down. So when it came down to it, I realized that I didn’t care so much about where it happened or if an umbrella was hovering over us or not.
I just could not wait to see his face.
Photo by Aspect Lux
Thankfully, Darren had everything covered. He and the wedding coordinator figured out a back-up plan for where we could do our First Look: sans umbrellas, outside, and yet still protected from the rain on the covered portion of the terrace. I love those pictures of myself right before I tapped him on the shoulder because I was so stinking happy. My face hurt from smiling but I couldn’t stop. Surprisingly, we didn’t cry when he turned around and saw me. I thought it would feel like awe and surprise, and yet it was pure happy relief at finally being here together at this moment. We’d been apart for less than twelve hours and yet it felt so good to be there holding his hand, standing by his side, and grinning in every picture. (It also helped that he loved my hair up and admitted that maybe I knew what I was doing when I insisted on that hairstyle).
The rest of our family members trickled in for pictures and, though it was still drizzling rain, we managed to rearrange the seating arrangement to still hold the ceremony outside. And suddenly, we were at the next moment: the actually getting married part. Darren’s song, an acoustic version of Blink-182’s “First Date” played while he and the wedding party walked up the aisle – turning it into one of my new favorite songs. And then the wedding coordinator fluffed my dress’s long train, “Here Comes the Sun” began to play, and my dad escorted me up the aisle. I say “up the aisle” specifically because the rain rearrangement flipped it so we walked up the stairs to the altar as opposed to down them… which was MUCH trickier with my flowing train. I definitely tripped (there are converse prints on my hem to prove it) but again, nothing could phase me. I don’t even remember feeling everyone looking at me. I just knew that I would get to Darren soon, that this was it. And suddenly there I was – holding Darren’s hands in front of my pastor and almost everyone who loved us.
The ceremony was, as I’ve said, a blend of me and Darren. We didn’t get married inside a church, because that wouldn’t be Darren’s vibe but we were married by Daniel, the pastor from my church. We discussed Bible verses for our reading, but instead landed on an e.e.cummings poem (quite the full circle for me, writing wise), though we did joke about using a Jurassic Park quote! We included everyone in the ceremony, asking them all to say “I do” instead of just asking our parents to give us away.
But the best part were our vows.
Darren went first. He altered song lyrics from “First Date” by Blink 182, “I Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jepsen, and “True” by Tilian – some of his and our favorite songs – to tell me just what this moment and getting married meant to him. I also LOVE that he quoted Gilmore Girls without knowing it – “What I’m trying to say Maggie, is that I’m all in.” (And if you don’t know the reference, please watch Gilmore Girls! Luke and Lorelei…) I grinned not only because they meant so much to me, but because he had sent me a picture of Harry and him snuggling together the night before with the words “He helped me practice my vows.” Which was just… perfect.
My vows to Darren were all about magic. I talked about the magic I’d believed in as a kid – first fantasy and then rom com love, how I’d lost that belief for a while until I met Darren and his passion for everything helped me rediscover mine. Through loving him, I came to redefine what magic is. It’s not waving wands or wielding lightsabers or true love just happening like that. It’s in choosing love and choosing to live out that love however and whenever possible, in the biggest and smallest ways. And that’s what I promised him – to believe in magic, to choose that magic, and to remind us both of the great potential for magic we both have.
I have not written as much in the past year, due to wedding prep and still recovering/finding my creative routine after the initial pandemic years but I am SO proud of my vows.
Photo by Cindy Clarke
As for the rest of the ceremony, I remember fist pumping when no one stood up or said a peep after Daniel asked “Does anyone have any reason why this couple can’t be legally married?”. I remember watching the waves of Lake Ontario as I listened to Daniel speak about how marriage allowed me to dream about my future with Darren – the other character that made all my previous monologues and soliloquies into real scenes – and how marriage made Darren feel proud and humbled to take care of me and our family. I remember saying “I do” too soon and needing to repeat it again after Daniel asked. I remember sliding Darren’s wedding ring onto his finger, making sure it was snug and in just the right spot. I remember kissing Darren with so much enthusiasm when we were pronounced husband and wife – and again when we signed the marriage license, and again as we stood outside under the now miraculously clear sky with the waves of Lake Ontario in front of us and all our loved ones behind us.
I could write so much more about the rest of our wedding day. And I have – I spent most of our honeymoon writing every single detail I could recall into a blue notebook, filling almost half of it. Reliving it then brought me so much joy, just as writing this now does, too. They told me that your wedding day goes by fast, like a blur, and then you’re married and it’s not that much different than when you lived together before. So I took deep breaths and stayed present in the moment while it was happening and wrote it all down so that I could go back and experience it over and over again. Doing this makes being married different. Doing this reminds me why I wanted to go through all the planning and hoopla and helps me choose magic with and for Darren.
But here are some other key moments from our big day:
Photos by Aspect Lux (left and center), myself (right)
The first thing I decided about the wedding was that I wanted dried lavender in my bouquet. I found a picture on Pinterest and that kicked everything off. I smelled it before I saw it on the wedding day. It was one of the best decisions I made. Not to mention, our song “True” includes the lyrics “lavender sticks in my mind…”
Darren yelled “Groom in the house” and “I’m coming in!” at least two or three times before he actually entered the venue to make sure I was nowhere nearby. Even though the coordinators had already texted him to give the all clear and triple checked I was hidden. That’s just who he is.
We decided in July that the only way guests could get us to kiss during the reception would be to serenade us with a song with the word “love” in it. We thought this would mean only 1 or 2 guests would get up the courage. We were wrong. My mom’s cousin Donna kicked it off with a version of “Happy Birthday” – since our wedding day was also her birthday. Then one of my friends got up to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” and I realized that I had invited not 1 but 3 friends who I’d met initially through karaoke… Then Darren’s mom and in-laws got up and sang “Skinny-ma-rink” (complete with hand motions). We kissed a lot. It was fantastic.
Darren had to tack on an explanation of what “We are Groot” meant during our speech when we realized not everyone had seen Guardians of the Galaxy, which played a major role in many of our wedding details: cake toppers, wedding favor cookies, included at the end of Darren’s vows… As both our Best Man and Maid of Honor said in their speeches, we are BIG nerds.
Photos by Aspect Lux (left and center), Mike Pettigrew (right)
The DJ played our song, “True” by Tilian, for our first dance. But he played the live version which we were NOT expecting. No one else noticed, but we laughed through the entire thing – leading to some pretty great pictures.
We had wonderful Father/Daughter and Mother/Son dances (“Brown Eyed Girl” and “Over the Rainbow” respectively), but I’m so happy we had unofficial Mother Daughter and Father and Son songs, too. I requested “Raise Your Glass” by P!nk because my mom and I still know the dance from Zumba classes we took in 2011. Darren and I both requested they play one of the songs that my Father-in-Law wrote and recorded, “The Old Red Pick-up Truck.” Both turned UP the dance floor.
Darren promised he was not going to take the garter off with his mouth… and then he did anyways. “Danger Zone” indeed…
I love dancing and was on the dance floor most of the night. I didn’t expect Darren to be there for all the hits, because that’s not as much his thing. But serendipitously, he appeared by my side when “I Want You Back” by *NSYNC played. And it was the best. I wish I could go back in time to 8 year-old me and say “Yes, you will still love this song in your 30s and one day you will dance with your husband at your wedding to this song.” Mind-blowing.
Darren insisted on McDonald’s for late night food with some good old chicken nuggets, cheeseburgers, and fries. Our families were against this plan as they thought it would be tacky… but who did I find running over when they arrived? He was right – it was the best decision.
It took 47 bobby pins to hold my hair up that day. I know because I counted when I took them out that night. I asked Darren to guess and he was off by 20+.
We have SO MUCH cake left over. On our first anniversary we’ll have to invite over 50 of our closest friends to share it with us. And even then, there might be second slices or leftovers.
Photo by Jeff Plunkett
I love you, Darren.
I love these memories of our wedding day
Even more, I love the happily ever after we’re already living together.
Wow what a year! So much has happened in the past few days, let alone weeks, that it feels hard to sum up. I’m still in the middle of it. Who knew that so much could happen in 365 days, even with COVID still going on? Here’s a summary of some of the smaller things first:
Work – I continue to love my role as Marketing Programs Manager. After two years, I’m finally hitting my stride with the programs I have launched and am still initiating new ones. The most exciting is the Student Ambassador Program. For the first time I’m managing employees and mentoring students. I’m so thankful to be able to learn, think creatively, and experiment with so much support from my Cengage team – international and in Canada.
Writing – It’s been a slow slog to get back to my writing life. Thanks to Firefly Creative Writing’s monthly writing packages through the Hello Writer program (and the gift of them from my BFF) I started journalling more consistently. I even finished a short story draft inspired by one of their prompts
Cut up words from a Hello Writer poetry assignment
Moved – I mentioned this twice already (here and here), but it majorly improved my day-to-day mental health, as well as Darren’s and Harry’s.
Harry – Harry LOVES his new backyard. At two and a half (!!!) he has chilled out into a lovely somewhat grown-up little man. He won’t even sleep in his crate anymore. Thankfully he’s just as cuddly as ever.
Visiting with family IN PERSON – Going back to in-person events was not smooth or without its hiccups. We were lucky enough to host Thanksgiving dinner at our house. I made rolls from scratch (thanks to my new lovely stand mixer) and aided Darren with the turkey (which ended up tasting AMAZING). For Christmas, we planned a big trip to Tennessee and Texas to finally introduce Darren to all of the extended family… which ended up being a solo trip for me. I still loved getting to spend time with family and friends State-side after three holiday seasons in Canada, but we can’t wait to get Darren (and maybe even Harry) back there with me on the next visit.
Getting active – Pop Dance class at The Pink Studio is a HIGHLIGHT from this year. It has been the best way to get active, to ease back into the world with in-studio and virtual classes, and to once again, keep my mental health in check. Too stressed? Sorry can’t think while I’m learning the choreography to “Everybody” by Backstreet Boys or “What Dreams Are Made Of” from The Lizzie McGuire Movie. I also did lots of yoga (online with Aunt Susan on Sunday evenings!) and learned the new bike route paths around our new neighbourhood.
Crafting – I did not get out the sewing machine as much as I planned to (I spy one goal for this next year) but I continued on the knitting/crocheting. Darren wants me to sell my crocheted ornaments after I made one for all our family members at Christmas, but I refuse to make this fun hobby into a side hustle. I made a new hat for myself and a few more amigurumi, but my biggest most exciting project was my first pair of socks. They fit and were well worth the effort of re-doing the first one two or three times before I finished it.
My first hand-knit socks!
Gardening – It has been a lighter year on gardening, both at the new “Maggie’s Grotto” and at Garden@Kimbourne for me – see the whole wedding section further down – but there have still been some wins. I tried so hard to cultivate lavender at the old house and then found 4-5 luscious and productive plants in the yard here. My Korean mint and parsley seedlings died out before I could plant them, but a few poppies came up and the lemon balm grew nice and thick. I have delighted in learning about how to care for peonies, roses, bee balm, black-eyed susan, echinacea and all the other plants already in the ground in my garden.
In-person Adventures – Darren and I slowly eased ourselves back into in-person events this year, but that has only made each and every one of these more fun and meaningful. Last September we visited the African Lion Safari and Canadian Warplane Heritage Museum in Hamilton. In October, we went to the Beyond Monet exhibit which was so relaxing and immersive. I cried when the music started at our first live concert in 2-3 years when we saw CHVRCHES at History in November. And I got chills in June when we finally went back to live theatre – I won’t say much about what we saw except that a) the stage play works way better than I thought it would and b) I really don’t agree with the author and her views… but I do love the world she created. I visited the Art Gallery of Ontario with a work friend in June and then Darren surprised me with a visit to The Friends Experience earlier this month. I got to sit on the orange couch, push the “Pivot!” couch, relax in Joey and Chandler’s apartment, and enjoy a cup of Joe at Central Perk.
And now for the BIG stuff…
I BECAME A CANADIAN CITIZEN – It’s wild to think that I first started blogging when I went to study abroad in Fall 2010, just so excited to leave Texas and the States on my own. Then because I’d studied abroad for a semester, I was open-minded when my senior thesis advisor suggested I look at graduate schools in Toronto two years later. Which led me to Monday August 15th – just a few days short of nine full years living in Canada – on a Zoom ceremony with 80 other people taking my oath of citizenship and singing “O Canada.” I could have remained a permanent resident forever but I wanted to commit to this country and the communities here I love. I cannot WAIT to cast my first vote in the municipal elections in October. I’m so grateful to have been born in the United States, to have the opportunities and support to move to this new country, and to be able to call myself a proud and engaged citizen of both.
WEDDING Preparations – The actual wedding hasn’t happened yet (t-minus 17 days), but it took up SO MUCH of this year. When folks ask me about what I’m writing, where I’m traveling, when season 2 of The Familiar might come out- I reply that everything is on hold until the production of my wedding is over. My mom (and, surprise!!!, BFF) flew in to help me find my wedding dress in October. A few weeks later Darren and I went to Hamilton to take engagement photos. We researched, planned, and booked things throughout the winter. Then the “final” stretch began in May with my bachelorette party in Austin, TX (real tex mex, the two Olivias meeting, pool time, and private tarot card readings!). I was so lucky to attend my first two bridal showers ever… Mine! First one thrown by my friends Erin and Laura at Kimbourne Park United Church (and Jane Austen tea party themed to boot!), and the second one a big family affair in Hamilton thrown by my future mother-in-law. It has not been easy planning a wedding in these COVID times, especially with my family and close friends all far away. Isolating before each even to make sure we don’t get or pass on COVID has been quite the challenge, too. But now we’re almost two weeks away and I’m feeling pretty great about the event we’ve planned. Whatever it ends up being, it’ll be the perfect start to our married life together.
Bachelorette, June Bridal Shower, July Bridal Shower
I don’t know what all of 32 will look like, but I know that I’m not going into it alone.
My word for 2021, Love, did help me through last year.
I needed it as my mantra when Harry went through his obnoxious teenage puppy phase, when family felt so far away, when our apartment felt too small, when the world felt like it was doing anything but loving one another.
In some ways, I do want to re-use Love for this year. I mean, I am marrying Darren (!). Not to mention it feels like the new variant has made everything feel harder again. But that’s also why I don’t want to re-use it. I want something new to look forward to, new perspective as we keep fighting some of the same battles to see each other as whole, beautiful humans and to treat each other with the love and kindness we deserve.
My word for 2022 is EMBRACE.
Photo Credit: Aspect Lux – Rafael Ferreira, Mario Cardoso
Cliche though it may be, I do like these bits and pieces from the Merriam-Webster dictionary definition:
to take up especially readily or gladly
to take in or include as part, item, or element of a more inclusive whole
acceptance
cherish, love
to clasp in the arms
Part of embrace is scary. I feel out of practice when it comes to being social with anyone outside my bubble. Real 3-D people (as my boss likes to say) can still be intimidating as we all re-learn how to be physically close and not socially distanced–especially as the risk associated with that changes all the time. The fear is worth it though. I’m ready to accept the right kind of risk and fight through the new bouts of social anxiety to embrace again. I need to.
The second part there – to take in a piece into a more inclusive whole – feels especially appropriate for this year. Darren and I will be bringing together two different families with our marriage. This holiday season was a good example of the challenges and joys ahead on this journey. It’s not going to be easy with his family here in Canada and mine spread across the United States. But there is a lot of love there and we’re going to soak all of it up as we take all these parts of our selves and unite them in one new family: our’s. The good news is that these past two years and even these last two weeks have proved just how strong the love is in our little family of two humans and one Shih Tzu puppy.
I’m not going to just embrace everything the universe throws at me this year. Embrace is more than just holding space – it’s bringing in, hugging close. And that’s not an action to take lightly. I’m choosing it to remind me that when it matters, I will find a way to embrace what brings me joy, what I love, what is necessary on my journey–even when it feels too hard or too scary. For instance, I’m not embracing more lockdown. I’m embracing the conversations, hobbies, and pieces of joy that I can focus on when the province is locked down.
May you too experience a year full of embraces, both literal and figurative.
Coda: I was going to post this last night but I’m glad I ran out of time. This morning in church we read Ecclesiastes chapter 3 and right there in the long list of everything was this line: “a time to embrace and a time to refrain.” And for me it felt like another sign that this is the year for me to embrace.
I am insanely lucky. So it seems odd to write an ode to the apartment we outgrew, but I’m a highly sensitive person and for the first time in a while, I feel like I have something to share. Or rather, that I feel the need to mark this moment.
It all started in Tennessee, in my mom’s backyard. Whenever I come back to Tennessee, I’m always surprised by how green and luscious it. Tall trees, farmers fields, the smell of honeysuckle in the air–but I forgot that my mom’s house (which used to be my great aunt and uncle’s house when I was growing up) is SO surrounded by nature. On my first days there, I’d take a pause from work to “take a turn” around the backyard. I even started doing it barefoot, to increase my connection to the earth. It was life giving. That trip in general was great for my mental health–more space, a break away from puppy craziness, plenty of time to visit with my family–and the easy access to nature was a big part of that.
My mom’s backyard, with her big dog Woody lounging in the sun.
Darren had been looking at apartments in our area for months before this. I always said that I didn’t want to move, that if we really want to save for home ownership that we should try to keep the same rent until we’re ready. But after my time barefoot in my mom’s backyard, I realized that a move might be worth the hassle.
So I got back from Tennessee, I told Darren I was ready, and we set up viewings with a real estate agent.
The whole experience ended up being WAY more stressful and whirlwind than anyone planned for it to be. I didn’t know we’d be getting engaged (though YAY! not complaining about this at all), or that we would jump on wedding planning so quickly (thanks to COVID, there’s no time to waste booking venues…). Or that we’d forget to cancel the apartment viewings so that ALL of this happened in the same week. So just a week into July 2021, I found myself newly engaged, wedding planning, and signing the lease for a new apartment. YIKES!
Somehow, I survived that major crush of emotions and busy-ness along with the busiest season of the year for my day job (back-to-school) and we moved into our new place.
We’ve been here a week and a half and I have to admit: it was worth the hassle. But this isn’t the “Yay new house!” blog–this is about the place we left and what it meant to me.
I dubbed our old apartment “Nerd Castle in the Clouds” after we moved in. From the second floor, you could see trees and sky through every window. After living in basement apartments, we felt like we truly were “in the clouds” when we first moved in. The nerd part comes from the amount of Star Wars and comic book stuff Darren brought with him… in a good way.
We found it after Darren picked me up from church one day. The “For Lease” sign in the front yard still said “Coming Soon!” but we asked if we could take a peek early. We looked at many other apartments in the coming week, but eventually realized that with a few tweaks, we couldn’t beat that first apartment, and especially its location close to the church and garden I volunteer at and the nearby subway station. We took a second look and signed the lease.
The day we signed the lease and us in front of the “Nerd Castle”
Before we moved, I thought it was so bittersweet because of all the things we didn’t get to do there. We squeezed in one visit with my dad in November 2019, but then had to cancel all the other family visits when the pandemic hit. New Years with a few friends was great, but besides a few house warming visits in the months just after we moved in, we didn’t get to host the dinners or games nights we intended to. I look back at the hilarious, sweet Instagram stories we made before the pandemic when Darren and I would walk to the subway together and wave from across the platform before heading in opposite directions to work. And then we weren’t commuting at all. Or taking advantage of the shops and restaurants down the street because they were shut to in-person shopping/dining for the rest of 2020 and most of 2021.
Looking at the empty apartment as we moved out, I realized that it’s not what we missed but rather how much we lived through together in those four walls.
Easter 2020 – just days after we got Harry, only weeks into the pandemic
We survived the longest lockdown in North America in that apartment. We survived the first year and a half of Harry’s life with us in those four walls–from the screaming, crate-training and late night pee breaks of the first months, to the snuggly “teenage” pup who barked his head off whenever we didn’t give him our undivided attention in Spring 2021. We survived working from home when that meant working at the kitchen table half the time and in the actual office the other half of the time.
It’s the apartment we came back to after we got engaged. It’s where we first talked about the future and how we wanted to spend it together. It’s where we learned that we could not only live with each other, but we could survive a global pandemic and a year and a half of being together almost all the time.
We knew that moving into that apartment was a big step forward, a first neither of us had ever experienced before. We had no idea that it would be such a defining phase of our lives.
Can’t share this photo of the day Darren & I got engaged enough!
I do miss the view of the trees from every window. I miss the neighborhood that Harry and I got to know so well from our many, many walks (and all the puppy dog friends he made along the way). I miss the massive bathtub and the large rain shower. I miss the dishwasher.
But I also don’t miss the tiny kitchen sink, the lack of green space, the sound of ambulances going by. I don’t regret growing out of that place and finding that it’s okay to need more space. I don’t have a name for our new house yet (still renting though…), but it already feels like home. We sped to get it set up in under a week, just like last time, but it wasn’t that that made it feel right. It was Harry curling up in his bed in the living room when we didn’t have any other furniture here yet. Digging into Chinese takeout with Darren’s parents at our dining room table after the movers left on the first night. Even spending those two and a half days cleaning and painting this place already made it feel like our’s.
I know the world’s still healing and we’re not rushing into anything yet… but I really hope that in addition to growing together here, getting married, and continuing to raise Harry, we get to host those games nights, dinner parties, out-of-town guests, etc.
Harry in his new natural habitat, the start of my new garden, & my spacious new office!
Another unprecedented year in terms of world events. It started off slow in many ways (see my Balm for 2020 post), still separated from family and waiting for answers and a return to “normal.” I wish I could say that everything is fixed now, but it’s not. But I feel like the most important lesson I am learning from this year is that you can only wait so long for the world. You really do have to find the joy, adapt, and find new ways to move forward, no matter what else is going on.
So without further ado, here’s what the first year of my 30s was like:
Survived COVID winter
Toronto and Ontario had the longest lockdown in North America due to COVID. From November 2020 to June 2021, we were basically restricted to our homes, curbside pick-up, and sometimes into grocery stores and pharmacies for “essential” products only. We were told not to visit family for holidays and outdoor visits were basically a no-go with our winter weather. It was hard. We worked from home, found new recipes to try, played with Harry, watched a million movies, chatted with family and friends online. Darren and I celebrated our third anniversary and somehow, continued to find ways to appreciate and love each other while trapped together in our apartment for 12 months with almost no breaks. I think that’s a HUGE accomplishment for this past year.
Double masking was no fun… but it led to the rest of this TN loveliness!
Travelled
I travelled for the first time since March 2019 this past year! True, in September 2020 and November 2020, Darren and Harry and I travelled to a few cottages in Ontario when cases weren’t bad and we could stay very safe, but I hadn’t seen my family in over a year due to the border closure between the US and Canada. Finally in May 2021, I decided with advice from medical professionals that it was worth the risk, expense, and extra barriers for me to fly down to Nashville, TN for a whole month. In spite of the mask-wearing and expensive COVID tests, it was well worth it. Who gets to spend a whole month away when they are an adult, working, and in a committed relationship? It was kind of a COVID gift, in a way.
While in Nashville, I got a little breathing room from the intense Ontario restrictions–though being in my mom’s newly renovated house was honestly a break enough all on its own. She renovated it right before COVID and it was such a treat to finally get to see it in person. Her huge backyard filled with honeysuckle, wild strawberries, squirrels, and robins delighted me everyday. We cooked so many lovely veggies and healthy meals–in addition to a cracked molten chocolate pie that was decidedly NOT low in calories. I read 4 or 5 whole books, took a virtual watercolour/sketching class with my mom, and got hooked on The Great British Bake-off.
I also got to go through my things in the attic. It was the first time I’d seen my childhood stuff since I packed up to move to Toronto in August 2013. Wild! I did get rid of a bunch, but I also held onto many of the papers I found, the memories from the first two decades of my life like letters from childhood friends, marching band memorabilia, and all my Rice University memories. My mom’s house is filled with memories–especially since it was previously the house my great aunt and uncle built after WWII, the house where my mom and her siblings grew up, and then the house where Emily and I grew up playing with my great aunt’s toy collection… (see posts on my horror play, Raggedy’s Kingdom).
I loved going to the farmer’s market with Pabi (my grandma) and even snuck in a visit with my dad who flew up from Austin to hang out with me in downtown Nashville for a day. I can’t wait to go back and to bring Darren and Harry with me.
Got vaccinated!
While in Nashville, I got both of my vaccinations against COVID-19! It took MUCH longer for vaccines to get to Canada than it did for most parts of the States so I was SO excited to get both of mine at the first chance I got. In this case I definitely was lucky to be a US citizen and able to travel back home and qualify for these vaccinations. I was also SUPER lucky not to have really any side effects besides a sore arm after the first shot.
I try to be understanding of people who are vaccine hesitant, but it’s hard when I know that the only thing holding us back from truly starting a new normal, beating this pandemic back to a controllable place, and protecting so many vulnerable people in our global community is getting these vaccines to everyone who can safely take them in the world. My heart breaks everyday when I hear about what the continued stress and risks of this pandemic are doing.
The pandemic won’t teach us anything unless we’re prepared to listen and prepared to actually make changes. That’s not easy for anyone, me included, but I don’t want to have gone through everything since March 2020 only for everything to go back to the way it was or worse. Please speak to a health professional, check your sources when doing research, and get both doses of the vaccine if you are eligible.
Survived 14 days in quarantine…
Because I couldn’t wait to see my family until travel restrictions were lifted, I had to quarantine after returning to Canada. And after receiving both doses of the vaccine before traveling, yes, it did seem extremely unnecessary. Especially when Darren and I realized it was so restrictive that I couldn’t even leave our house’s property to take the dog for a walk. So when I returned to Canada on May 30th, I took a COVID test, stayed in a hotel until that came back negative, then came back home to stay alone in our apartment for the rest of the 14 days. Which meant I was apart from Darren and Harry for six weeks total.
It was hard. I did yoga videos. I called friends. I spoke with Darren everyday. I cooked meals that I knew Darren wouldn’t want to eat. I took baths and read comic books. I worked in the garden and took work calls out there every chance I could just to break things up. I watched a whole other season of Great British Bake-Off and finished the entirety of Bless This Mess.
And the day Darren came home, I cleaned the entire house and got dressed up like I was going out on a date and waited impatiently through the afternoon for him to arrive. It was like Christmas or something. After 12+ months of being intensely together and six weeks apart, I missed him a lot.
From seeds to sprouts to actual flowers!
Planted my backyard tea garden
After many years of gardening at the community garden, Garden@Kimbourne, I finally put some of those skills to work in my own patch of earth. In the winter, I ordered seeds and collected supplies to start many of them inside. I even ran the virtual seed starting workshop for Garden@Kimbourne, though it was also my first time ever starting seeds as well!
It was so life-giving to watch the lavender, chamomile, lemon balm, echinacea, tomato, and pepper seeds go from nothing to spindly green bits, and then to real plants with stems and leaves reaching for the sun.
Then while I was away, Darren and his family cleared the space for me in the backyard to actually plant them! Not everything has gone to plan–I planted some things later than I would have so they haven’t really flowered yet, many seeds I thought could just go in the ground did not sprout, and I sped through hardening off many of my seedlings so they died off in the June heat–but I did succeed in starting something and staving off most of the weeds that were in my garden patch last year. So I’ll take it!
The squirrels and birds may have stolen my one strawberry that came through, but I got at least three handfuls of black raspberries from the canes I planted last summer. It’s these little wins that keep me going and inspire me to learn from these mistakes and do it differently next time. Plus I still get plenty of the Garden@Kimbourne harvest.
Writing again
I actually wrote a good bit last year, but after The Familiar came out in early 2020, it felt like I was in a bit of a rut.
This spring I started working on a science fiction web project and it’s helping me so much. It’s healing to collaborate with generous creatives who communicate clearly and professionally. It’s so much fun to write science fiction again. I have loved learning about the world they’ve built and then fleshing out a section of it through character and story.
Nothing I’ve created is public as of this exact moment of writing, but you should definitely check out this website for Future Now and look out for more updates from me soon!
And for those of you who love The Familiar, I’m not done. But I’m still not ready to dig into creating Season 2. That being said, if you’d care to send us a donation through Kofi or if you’re interested in pitching me a story idea, I’m open to both of those options!
Crocheted fun things
Creatively, I did more knitting/crocheting than anything else this year. I first finished the shawl I started last year. And it’s so nice to wrap around my shoulders when it’s cold inside (aka: all the time because I run cold and Darren runs hot). Then I created a whole garland of snowflakes and stars to hang in our house for Christmas/winter cheer. I crocheted chair leg covers to keep them from scratching our floors. Then I made Harry a dog blanket that he only wanted to chew instead of lay on. And then I made him booties that he refused to wear. And then decided to stop making things for the dog for a while… So I knitted myself a bookmark with a pen holder to go over my writing journals.
The coolest things I made were two amigurumi for Darren’s birthday in April. It was hard to keep them a secret while I was making them, since we are always in the same house! But I managed it and he was so surprised to find this little Spiderman and Captain America. I want to make many many more because it was super fun, but I also don’t think we really need a whole house full of little yarn creations. Hopefully I can find a reason to make more–like maybe when we get a bigger Christmas tree?
I’ve finally taken a pause this summer but can’t wait to figure out what I can make next in the fall and winter.
Got engaged!
And last but certainly not least… Darren and I are getting married! We went to a cottage the week of Canada Day to get some quality time together (with the pup) after I’d been away and we’d been apart for 6 weeks. There were a few clues that I completely missed.
Darren got really mad about the weather report (predicted 7 days of rain), which I thought was a little overboard.
He told me not to look in his backpack for sunscreen because “it was just electronics and stuff.”
He asked me to bring some nice clothes to the cottage “in case we go out for dinner.”
So I had no idea what was coming when he said, “Hey Maggie, I have a question for you” and then appeared in the doorway on one knee with the ring box open. I lost it when he asked his question, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” I apparently gave him the wrong hand and basically babbled in astonishment until he asked if that meant yes. YES, yes, yes it did!
We then went down to the dock to take some fantastic pictures of the ring and our smiling, joyous faces. And–even better–to call our friends and family to share the good news. They were the most fun phone calls to make. My favourites were the calls to my sister and best friend. They had thought Darren would need their help to plan out the engagement, so they were super surprised to learn he’d bought the ring and planned the whole thing out without their help–they were surprised that it was a surprise!
In spite of all the wedding planning that happened over the minuscule amount of wifi/cell phone service we had at our super rustic cottage getaway, it was actually a VERY relaxing vacation as well. We sat on the dock almost everyday. I read five books (four that I began and started on the trip, though I must admit one was a graphic novel, Sweet Tooth). We had brought a bunch of games and had access to a collection of DVDs and a television–but we never used any of those. Turns out nature, talking, playing with Harry, and reading were really all we needed.
What’s Next?
I already know a new apartment (with a backyard for Harry!), more wedding planning, and my bachelorette party and bridal shower will be coming in the next year. It feels good that in all the unknowns still, I have a lot to look forward to. Looking back, I’m extremely thankful for all that I have and how I got through this very hard year.
gladlybeyondaustinausten 